My Calling To Be Disqualified1:44 PM
It's March 20th, 2016. The first day of spring and the first day I have sat down to write in a very long time. The last 6 months have been the most trying months of my entire life. They were filled with situations that have left me utterly broken & being unable to understand, yet filled circumstances showing the evidence of God's power & grace. So please forgive me for my lack of attention to tending to my writing & ministry. It's been a season of repentance in my own life recently because I have, yet again, allowed my fear, doubt, pain, pride, and anger to dictate my life. I have allowed the enemy to label me as being disqualified.
The word "disqualified" is a verb and a past tense. A pronounce of eliminating someone from a competition because of an infringement of the rules. Or, (of a feature or characteristic) make someone unsuitable for an office or activity. Disqualified is often the whisper I hear in my heart telling me almost sweetly & gently into my ear, telling me I don't have what it takes, & God sees me as disqualified due to the sin in my heart & in my past.... Other times it's a loud roar thrashing my spirit back and forth as is if I was holding on for dear life as my car is smashed by oncoming traffic. It's a label that has ruled me for many years. A label that I have allowed to dictate my life.
What's label has ruled yours?
For many years, I have allowed the label of being disqualified to rule my heart in ways that have left me broken inside & fearful of stepping out in faith to answer His calling on my life. I've allowed the labels from the enemy to become my identity; the identity of pain, shame, fear, and anger. It's allowed me even in these last months to push aside my calling of women's ministry JUST when it was getting started. I have allowed it to pile weight on my chest, telling me I am not, & will never be good enough.
To be completely transparent with you, I have struggled with academics my ENTIRE life. I have allowed people's labels of "dumb, stupid" and "not enough" to become idols in my heart. I have allowed my hurt from my past to determine my future, like not applying for that college, for giving up when it seemed impossible, for avoiding certain people & not answering the call God has called me to since I was 7 years old. Nevertheless, God has been stirring in my heart and hasn't let me go. He has made His message more clear than ever before of His original design for my life.
Romans 8:1-2Life in the Spirit // There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.I've been following along with Pastor Craig Groeschel's recent series "Dangerous Prayers" & been applying the dangerous prayers to my own prayer life; I've been praying for God to SEARCH my heart and show me anything that may be holding me back from Him. For God to BREAK me, even it's extremely painful, praying for God to break me SO THAT I can completely surrender to Him. Also, praying that He would SEND me, no matter where He calls me to, I want to be where He has called me to be. Recently, I was at a women's bible study at New Song Church & God searched my heart by revealing the elements in my heart keeping me from Him, He BROKE me & reminded me of the original design & calling on my life. Talk about an emotional hour! Bev Murrill spoke and little did she know she was speaking directly to me. My tears of recognition and understanding hit me like a tidal wave. Proceeding into the breaking of my spirit, & realizing the identity I chose to classify within my own life. The identity of false idols & fraudulent labels.
Pastor Steven Furtick of Elevation Church, has also been a huge part of God's searching, breaking & sending of me. His new book, (un)qualified, goes right along with the current status of God's work in my life. He writes about how God uses broken people to do great things. It's the rawest and most real explanation of how God CAN & WILL use you in spite of your own mess. And it blows me away that God had Pastor Steven release this book during THIS time in my life. Over & over again God is writing on the walls telling me to GO FORTH & have faith.
My calling today is to leave behind my labels of disqualifications and embrace the fact that I am (un)qualified, BUT by ABIDING in Him, I can & will move mountains. When we allow God to inhabit our lives (by abiding in Him) we allow His love & POWER to work through us to live according to His purpose.